Mon. Nov. 19, 2018: Friendliness – An Introvert’s Journey #UpbeatAuthors

Monday, November 19, 2018
Waxing Moon
Neptune Retrograde
Uranus Retrograde
Venus DIRECT (as of Friday)
Mercury Retrograde (as of Friday)

 

I am an introvert.

I am perfectly happy to hole up at home for days or weeks on end, writing, and not interacting much.

But my profession does not allow it.

My profession demands that I wear the mask of an extrovert in order to promote my books and to land marketing clients. If people don’t know about them, how can they read them? I’m constantly navigating the line between the public and the personal.

My basic policy is that my work is public; my life is private.

It’s not particularly scandalous or interesting, but it’s MINE. I CHOOSE what to share publicly.

I owe readers good work.

In order to do good work, I need to keep boundaries.

I like many individuals just fine. I’m not fond of “people” all that often.

Yet, when I go to conferences or talk at libraries, I enjoy myself. I like sharing my process, my ups and downs, with them. Most of them ask interesting questions. I like to hear about their journeys, their experiences. I like to know who they are and what matters to them. Some of them make unfair demands, and I’ve learned to shut that down.

At networking events or cocktails or dinners, when someone makes a rude or dismissive comment, I smile, cut them off, walk away, and get on with my life. I don’t owe them my time or attention. I owe that to my work.

This blog, which has now been up for more years that I can comprehend at this point, is a conversation, as far as I’m concerned. I share how the writing and the life weave together or get into conflict. I share ups and downs. There’s plenty I don’t share, especially when it concerns other people in my life. While everyone I interact with is processed into the work in some way, eventually, that doesn’t mean I write about them in the blog as themselves.

I try to give support and encouragement as often as possible, while not allowing myself to be drained by emotional vampires.

I fall short of my own expectations often.

Even events that I enjoy wear me out on multiple levels. Then I have to retreat to recharge.

I’ve finally accepted that it’s okay.

For me, protecting the work, doing what I have to in order to nourish the work, is the most important.

I build relationships, I maintain friendships (amongst my circle, I tend to be the main “kinkeeper” — keeping in touch with people, keeping them in touch with each other).

But I also relish my time alone.

It’s becoming less about wearing a mask and more about keeping a balance.

I don’t like the way we, as writers, are forced to dog-and-pony ourselves. I believe it should be about the work FIRST and we should be in soft-focus, in the background.

Others love to be in the spotlight, and are good at it. More power to them.

But I’m finally learning that I can be friendly by defining my own parameters, my own boundaries, and not feeling guilty or defensive when those are inconvenient for those who want more. I’ve also noticed that the bulk of those who want more offer little in return. It’s also about learning and enforcing discernment.

I’d rather meet someone with an expectation of the positive and let them fulfill it or not than assume the negative. But when they show who they are — for good or for ill — I believe them.

Because being friendly doesn’t mean being a doormat.

Being friendly means offering a warm hand and a warm heart when needed. Knowing when to step forward, and when to step back. When to give support and when to give space.

The space is as important as the contact.

It’s a beautiful, brilliant dance that brings out the best in both partners.

 

Published in: on November 19, 2018 at 6:36 am  Comments Off on Mon. Nov. 19, 2018: Friendliness – An Introvert’s Journey #UpbeatAuthors  
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Mon. Nov. 5, 2018: Friendliness — Pull Up a Chair! #UpbeatAuthors

Monday, November 5, 2018
Waning Moon
Neptune Retrograde
Uranus Retrograde
Venus Retrograde

 

First off, let me apologize. I mis-read the list of topics, and I spent October talking about tolerance, which was September’s topic.

Let’s just say I’ve had a challenging couple of months!

I’m back on track for November, and the topic is “friendliness.” My first week on that topic will deal with friendliness at conferences.

I’ve attended plenty of conferences where I didn’t know anyone. Sometimes they were international; sometimes they were in my home country.

I’m a writer and an introvert. I need a lot of time on my own (which is why I don’t book with a roommate for conferences — I need to retreat, and I need to be able to maintain my writing rhythm).

But I still want to interact.

I’ve usually been able to meet at least a few people and be friendly enough with them for the duration of the conference so that I don’t feel like a wallflower. I’ve met people at conference who wound up being good friends for the long haul.

It was actually easier to make friends and hang out at conferences before social media. I don’t do selfies; I don’t post photos at events of myself with people; I don’t even use author photos (that’s in my contract). I publish under multiple names. What I look like has nothing, NOTHING to do with my ability to write.

I’m not an actor.

In my opinion, the writing should NEVER have anything to do with my appearance.

It’s about the work. Not about me.

It used to be that a conference was where you could attend, interact, and blow off some steam. It was kind of like Vegas — what happened at the conference, stayed at the conference.

Not anymore.

So, in my opinion, a lot of them just aren’t as much fun.

You don’t get to relax anymore. You have to be “on” all the time. Performing all the time. I wasn’t particularly wild, but I also didn’t have to worry that anything I said with irreverence or did might be taken out of context and posted for the world to see.

There used to be at least a bit of private space at conferences, where people could interact and not be on guard all the time. Vent, laugh, get to know each other as individuals, not as representatives of a brand or a company.

That doesn’t mean I advocate people being horrible to each other, treating each other badly, unwelcome harassment, and saying awful things. People did that, and do that. Sometimes it’s a moment of anger or misunderstanding; sometimes they reveal who they really are. There are plenty of talented individuals, in all the arts, who aren’t particularly stellar human beings. I’ve had my share of disappointments, meeting someone whose worked I liked, and finding I didn’t like them as a human being. I’d prefer them across the room to across the table. And yes, sometimes I’ve discovered something that is so averse to my sense of integrity that it destroyed my ability to enjoy their work.

I do believe that we should meet people on a platform of basic human dignity and work from there. But the fact that we have to be “on” all the time means that it’s harder to really get to know people. It creates more tension. Instead of a conference being a place to have some fun and a little freedom amongst one’s people, it’s one big long marketing adventure.

I was on the board of directors for a local writers’ organization for a few years. Their central event was a rather wonderful conference. Instead of panels, where attendees went to listen to other people talk process, there were workshops where they learned process and had the chance to apply it. There were evening speakers or lunchtime speakers and all kinds of great events.

Part of my job was to make sure the presenters felt welcomed and taken care of; make sure they had everything they needed for their workshops; make sure they had someone to share the meal with, and weren’t sitting off in a corner alone (unless they wanted/needed to in order to decompress).

I also felt it was my job to make participants feel more included. For me, it meant being more pro-active than I’d been as a participant. How many times did I go into the bar at the end of a conference day, not know anyone, and not feel comfortable enough to grab a seat alone?

In this case, I felt that part of my job as a trustee of this organization was to play hostess.

I’d gather up a few people, starting at the welcome cocktail party, and every evening at the bar after the day’s events ended. We’d settle in a place clearly visible from the door, and put together a bunch of tables.

As someone came in through the door, stopped, and looked around, with that deer-in-the-headlights look, I’d wave and say, “Hi! Come join us! Pull up a chair!”

The relief was palpable.

Most of the time, they did. If someone arrived and someone at the table knew them, they waved them over, too.

By the peak of the night, we had an enormous table of people getting to know each other. Often, it organically wound up being a mix of writers, agents, and editors. People moved around, switched seats, talked to a variety of people.

I also took the time to talk to every individual who joined us, find out what was working for them and what wasn’t, as part of their experience, which helped us build a better conference the following years.

By starting it at the first cocktail reception, I set a tone of friendliness. People started meeting each other. They had someone to attend talks with, or go to meals with, or even explore the area with.

No one felt left out.

Basically, I created what I always wished for at other conferences.

That also changed my behavior when I attended conferences. Instead of sidling in to the bar and taking up as little space as possible, I take a table that I like. When I see a face of someone I might have passed earlier in the day, or spoken to at some point, I invite them to join me.

As an introvert, it takes a huge effort to make that first move. But I know what it feels like to be unsure of one’s welcome. So I do it anyway. Even though I’m as exhausted mentally as physically by the end of the evening. But it’s worth it.

That doesn’t mean I wind up adoring everyone I meet. There have been times when I haven’t particularly liked some of those at the table. But I could still be cordial to them, and we could each find people at the table with whom we better connected.

Be the welcoming person you always hoped to find at a conference. It will make the experience better for everyone concerned.

So next time you’re feeling unsure at an event, smile at someone else and say, “Pull up a chair!”

 

Published in: on November 5, 2018 at 6:58 am  Comments Off on Mon. Nov. 5, 2018: Friendliness — Pull Up a Chair! #UpbeatAuthors  
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