Wed. March 15, 2023: It’s STILL Snowing

image courtesy of janeb13 via pixabay.com

Wednesday, March 15, 2023

Waning Moon

Snowing

The Ides of March

It still snowing. Sorry I didn’t post yesterday, but the power fluctuated, and the internet was out most of the day.

I hope you had a great weekend. We get a Wednesday catchup. Curl up with a beverage. This is a long one, because it’s been six days since we were last in contact.

Friday was a lovely, sunny day. I went out early in the morning to pick up my cake.

Then, we headed over to The Clark Art Institute in Williamstown. They have free admission for the month of March, so it seemed like a good time to check them out.

What an amazing space. It’s huge, and a little overwhelming. In addition to the multiple museum buildings and the research library, they have 140 acres of trails with sculptures.

Definitely something that needs more than a day.

We spent most of the time at the Promenades on Paper exhibit, sketches on loan from the Bibliotèque Nationale de France. Wow. The curation was exquisite, including the color choices for the walls. I was especially fascinated by the Opera sketches and the sketch of a “private theatre” that looked like it was a railroad car. I need to learn more about it. I  wish I’d taken notes.

We wandered over to the permanent collection, but there was just too much to take in, all at once.

Definitely going back. Often.

The reception for regional grant awardees is there at the end of the month, so now I know where to go.

I bet the gardens and trails are gorgeous in spring, summer, and fall. Probably a good place to go and write.

We came home and I ordered A Whole Lot of Chinese food, just in case the weather was so bad on Saturday that I couldn’t get my birthday dinner.

I read in the afternoon, re-reading a book about the antiquarian book trade (my copy’s in storage). It was so nice that we could sit and read out on the front porch. All three cats joined us.

I did some research on the two antique books I picked up at Thursday’s book sale for a dollar each and it looks like they might have some value. Not the kind of value pristine first editions would have, but value, nonetheless. One is by James M. Barrie, who is most famous for PETER PAN, but wrote a bunch of other stuff, too. They are also earlier editions, probably closer to the turn of the twentieth century or late Victorian printings, rather than the twenties I’d figured. And one of the publishers had apprenticed with the other, so the two books are connected.

I will get some archival white cotton gloves to handle them when I read them, and then put them in a safe place while I do more research. Neither book fits the first edition descriptions, but they are nicely made pieces I will enjoy.

I had a leisurely reading evening, too. I want to know more about Anne Baldwin, who ran a print shop in the 17^th century.

Slept fairly well. Had weird dreams about clay figures that had been slathered with a particular type of red paint. A former toxic boss was in the dream, asking for forgiveness. That’s how I knew it was a dream; she’d never do that in real life!

I somehow hurt both wrists in the dream, and woke up with sore wrists.

Saturday was my birthday, and it was snowing when I woke up.

I made smoked salmon eggs Benedict, which we had with Prosecco.

I did a library run, dropping off and picking up books ahead of the storm.

I started working on the revision for the upcoming “Plot Bunnies” re-release, and then I thought, why am I working on my birthday?

So I stopped.

I read. I’m reading a biography of actress Katharine Cornell that’s very fawning, but it has necessary information on Marian de Forest and Jessie Bonstelle. I can’t believe how few people remember Jessie Bonstelle, when she was such a force in touring companies and creating regional theatre as we know it.

I made notes for a couple of upcoming projects.

I re-read THE MOVING FINGER by Agatha Christie, which is the March “Read Christie” choice. It’s been years since I read it (it’s the one about poison pen letters).  Christie is remembered for Poirot and Marple, and, although this is, technically, a Marple story, it’s told through the first person POV of another character, Jerry, and the structure is interesting.

I ordered and picked up dinner from a local restaurant I wanted to try, that touts itself as an upscale farm-to-table place. Um? When I went to pick up the food, the restaurant itself is small, dark, and dingy with cheap furniture, and the staff was more interested in talking about their dating lives than in their customers. The food was okay, but I wanted better than okay. I had a supposed “Bolognese” sauce that was more of a Roman-style meat sauce without the tomato sauce, but definitely not “Bolognese.” There wasn’t even a smidge of cream in it, and none of the seasoning that sets apart a Bolognese sauce. I mean, it was an okay meat sauce over a glop of overcooked spaghetti (not even fettucine). Not great (mine are better). But it wasn’t a layered Bolognese, and for that price, I expected layered taste.

My mom had what was supposed to be cordon bleu chicken in puff pastry, with sides of mashed potatoes and green beans, with a cheese sauce over it. There was chicken wrapped in pastry, with maybe a thin slice of ham and cheese around it, like deli-sliced. It was in some sort of dough sheet, but not the puff pastry stated in the description. The mashed potatoes were heaped over the pastry, and a basic alfredo sauce poured over it, with four undercooked green beans sticking out of the bottom. Huh?

The ”garlic bread” that came with  my pasta was a few tiny (I’m taking 1/8” wide, and maybe 2” long), limp slices of leftover narrow baguette which had been dumped in warmed garlic-infused olive oil and wrapped in aluminum foil. It was dissolving and nearly inedible when I unwrapped it. That is not how one makes garlic bread.

And there was zero presentation. I mean, yeah, it’s a pickup, it’s going to be in containers (I’d brought an insulated bag). But don’t just glop it in the dish. At least try to make it look nice? A spring of parsley isn’t going to break the bank.

It’s not like they were overrun with customers.

It’s not that the food was bad. It was serviceable diner food. If I’d ordered it from a diner, I would have been satisfied. But it wasn’t a diner, and I didn’t want diner food. I wanted something special. This wasn’t it.

I won’t be eating there again any time soon.

But the cake made up for it. I’d bought a chocolate truffle bomb cake from a different place, and we’ve been eating the cake all weekend. It’s very rich, so we only have a small slice at a time.

Overall, it was a lovely birthday, filled with good wishes from friends online and off (and a package, from one friend, with a cat toy the cats love). I have such a tumultuous relationship with my birthday, it was nice to genuinely enjoy it and not work to enjoy it for anyone else’s benefit.

We “sprung ahead” for Daylight Savings Time on Sunday, which always screws me up for weeks.

Sunday was bright and sunny. I did a run to the post office to mail some stuff that needed to get out. We sat on the porch and read. I did some re-reading of GAMBIT COLONY material. When I do the next (and hopefully final) editing pass on these first sections, I need to set up better tracking sheets and do a more detailed Series Bible. I’m losing important elements, especially as I layer in other important elements.

I always wind up blocking a lot of oafs on social media on Oscar, Emmy, and Tony Award nights because they start pontificating about the business when none of them could last an hour on an actual set or backstage. It’s WORK, that requires enormous physical and mental capacity, so others can play. If the result isn’t your bag, that’s one thing. You like what you like, you don’t like what you don’t like, and that’s part of the risk creatives take when putting work out there. Not everyone will like it.  But when they act like creatives don’t work for a living, and it’s not “real work” and they can pass judgement on what it’s like to DO the work when they’ve never spent a day on set, or done anything creative with high stakes to it, I’m done. They know nothing, NOTHING, about what it takes to get it done, so shut the fuck up you lazy, untalented, snarky coward.

Of course, when they show their asses like that and get blocked, my overall life is better without them, so better knowing sooner than later.

As a wardrobe person, I was a little unsettled with some of the red carpet choices. I’m all for wearable art, especially for something like the Met Gala. But award shows are about the creative artists who did the work, and too many of the choices on the “champagne carpet” (how pretentious was that?) were about the stylist’s ego and not about making the creative artist look good. There were some wonderful gowns and radiant individuals, but there were also choices that were not about making the wearer look their best, and often the hair and makeup didn’t work with the gown. And one could tell who used the same stylists, because the looks were too similar and about the stylist, not about the individual being styled, which I disagree with. On the positive side, I liked that there were many bold color choices. Too often, the palette is too similar, and people wear colors that don’t suit them because that’s the color trend for that year.

I read the book for review, and sent off the review on Monday morning, before the storm got too intense.  Emails came in steadily, with cancellations and closures in the area for most of the week.

The storm started just after 8 AM. It started as snow, got heavier, then switched over to rain for most of the rest of the day.

Tuesday’s yoga class was cancelled, and Monday night’s soup class was moved to Thursday, because Jeremy had to travel and decided to get out while the storm wasn’t so bad.

I could not get my act together on Monday. I got through a lot of email. I updated my Creative Ground profile. I did some social media networking. I wrote up some project notes. I managed to get the first 20 episodes’ worth of Legerdemain graphics up on Pinterest. It’s such a pain, because when I try to arrange them in the correct order, after about 5 minutes, I have to log out and log back in. Getting all 60+ episode graphics up will be a PITA.

A director who’s worked on a bunch of my radio plays emailed me to say they miss me and would like more, so I sent off two they haven’t yet done. I still owe them a dirigible play. I guess I should get back to that. I haven’t heard from the other producer in absolute ages, so I’m not sure what’s going on with the play he has, and the other ones he wants. I’m assuming there’s a delay.

I finally gave up on getting anything on the “should” list done. I’m fine on my deadlines, so I didn’t have to worry.

I buried myself in another re-read of the GAMBIT COLONY material. Which of course, means taking the red pen and cutting or adding or making adjustments. There’s a vital position in the production team that I’ve ignored in all these drafts, and I have a feeling I have to suck it up and layer in another character. I also worked a big chunk before I realized that I was working on THE WRONG DRAFT. I’d picked up the wrong binder. When I got back to the correct draft, I’d already put in most of those changes! At least I know I’m on the right track.

It hadn’t started snowing by the time I went to bed on Monday. I woke up around 3:30 (feline shift change), and it had just stared; there was about an inch on the ground, but it came down hard.

When I woke up again just before 6, the power was out. I figured, because there was no scent of coffee.

The cats, however, Weren’t Having it, so I hauled myself out of bed and fed them, then went back to bed for a bit, watching the snow. The lights were on at the college, because they have emergency power generators, so I use the sound of the heaters (or lack thereof) to know if the power is on or off. That, and the fact that I don’t hear the hum of the downstairs neighbor’s television, which is on 24/7.

I finally dressed in layers – fleece-lined leggings under velvet leggings, oversized handknit sweater over turtleneck, thick socks. The snow was intense!

The gas stove still worked, when I lit the individual burners, so I made coffee in the French press and made tea for my mom. We could have a cooked breakfast and all, so it wasn’t too bad.

I’d unplugged the laptop the night before, and I powered it down. There was no internet, but occasionally the phone signal was strong enough to post a picture. The power went off and on all day.

We bundled ourselves under layers of blankets and cats in the living room, so we could watch the snow come down. I had the binders with GAMBIT COLONY and just kept reading. I layered in the missing character (this is a cast of Many, dealing with life behind the scenes shooting a large television series), and, by the time I got to re-reading the latest draft of book 3 in the series, realized I had to change her name because it’s too similar to that of two other characters. While one often works productions where multiple people have the same name, I only do that in this series when there’s a plot-or-character related reason for it, and I try to keep the names of people who are often in the same scenes together different enough not to be confusing.

The original GAMBIT COLONY Series Bible is a hot mess with all the drafts over the years. I know I need to start a fresh one. I’m also considering doing a corkboard type of document to track characters and make sure I’m following through on arcs, much as I would if it was a scripted series. I did a little digging, and it looks like there’s a way to do that in Scrivener. Since I own Scrivener software, and it doesn’t work for me to draft (since it won’t let me draft in standard manuscript format, and that’s a deal breaker for me), maybe I can at least use the corkboard function. I found a tutorial on creating a binder and ditching the document file so it allows one to just use the corkboard, so when I get to that point, I will try.

I’d hoped Office had an index card format, but it only has one for Windows10. I’d have to buy the NoteDex app, and it doesn’t have the flexibility I need. No, thank you. I’ll figure out how to use the board in Scrivener. I’ll also look at DramaQueen, the script software I use, and see if my version has one. I’m still dithering whether I should just suck it up and use some of the grant money (when it arrives) for Final Draft. That would be the professional thing to do. I know Final Draft has the board option. Plus I’d use it for, you know, scripts.

It was great to submerge myself in that GAMBIT COLONY world for a couple of days, but now I need to finish books 5 & 6, and do a big overall revision/organization, because they are all of a piece, and all have to be done before any of them can release, much less get submitted. I have stacks of notes on what happens next; I just have to work it into the schedule.

I heard from a market I’d forgotten I’d contacted that yes, I could submit to them in radio format. Now, I have to go back through  my notes and figure out what it was I meant to send them.

The snow is still coming down hard, and will be all day. I expect the power and internet will continue to fluctuate. If it does, I’m still on top of deadlines. If I can get some work done – on Legerdemain, and making the rounds for yesterday’s episode of Legerdemain, and today’s episode of Angel Hunt and the latest Process Muse (which is about research), I will do so. I have one script in the queue due Friday, and a novel they asked me to read and comment on for adaptation due Saturday, which I hope to finish by Friday. So we’ll see.

I feel guilty that I was in GAMBIT COLONY world during time I could have been working on the Heist Romance, but since the power was out and the internet was out, I couldn’t have accessed the software anyway.

I HATE cloud-based everything. I want it in my damn computer, so I can work offline.

Anyway, breakfast, then back to the page. I need to get back to work drafting new episodes of Legerdemain. I have episodes for the next couple of weeks, which I’ll upload later this week, but I want to get farther ahead.

I am NOT looking forward to digging the car out from nearly three feet of snow. If it lets up mid-day, I’ll start. Otherwise, I’ll wait until tomorrow and take as much time as I need to do it, in sections. The car looks like a baby igloo, with al the snow piled over it.

Hope you are well, warm, and happy!

Back to the page.

Fri. March 11, 2022: There Will Be Cake

image courtesy of Matheus Math via pixabay.com

Today is my birthday, and it is a Big Number Birthday. I am giving myself the long weekend, to do exactly as I please. This is my third birthday during a pandemic, and I am damn well going to do as I please. Still away from people.

There will be cake. Chocolate cake.

Catch you on the other side of the weekend.

Mon. March 7, 2022: Intent for the Week — Gentle

image courtesy of Larisa Koshkina via pixabay.com

This is the week leading up to my birthday (I have a Big Number Birthday coming up on Friday).

This is my 3rd birhtday during a pandemic. In 2020, things were just starting to shut down. 2021 was in the midst of it, with the vaccines starting. This year, we have Omnicron.

And war.

I always struggle in the time around my birthday, because I’m always disappointed by what I didn’t get done in the previous year.

This year, I will try to be gentler with myself. I’ve survived a lot in the past couple of years. I have it better than many. I have a lot for which to be grateful.

I would like to live on a peaceful plateau for a bit. While that’s not an option, I will be quieter this week, and try to be kinder to myself. I will push hard on the work, because I want to take a long weekend off for my birthday.

There’s a lot in flux right now: will our lease be renewed? can the car be fixed within my budget? Can I grow my work in the directions I want?

But, this week, I will try to be gentle.

What is your intent for the week?

Fri. March 12, 2021: Die For Your Employer Day 294/MA Vaccine Distribution Fail Day 44 — Pre-registration as Placebo

Friday, March 12, 2021

Dark Moon

Cloudy and cooler

Many thanks to all of those who sent birthday wishes yesterday. It was much appreciated, and cheered up my day. This was my second birthday during the pandemic.

Emotionally, I was up, down, and all over yesterday. Really struggled on various fronts, then felt guilty for struggling, which made me struggle all the more.

I cut myself a break, work-wise. I sent out a few LOIs and had a good video conference with a potential client. Other than that, I read and puttered around the house.

The landlord had contractors poking around outside.

We had birthday cake and a nice dinner.

Knowledge Unicorns sang me “Happy Birthday” — which was fun.

My mother’s bloodwork came back. Her glucose is high, and now they’re worrying about possible diabetes. Something else to worry about.

I just needed to give myself a day off yesterday, but the stress didn’t abate.

Today, I’m doing follow-up from yesterday’s meeting, getting some client work done, some LOIs done, contest entries done, article work done, and getting back to purging boxes.

I will purge boxes all weekend, and make at least one trip to the dump.

I signed up on the pre-registration site for the vaccine. It’s basically a placebo, so you feel like you’ve done something. None of the sites that will send me the sign-up are close enough for me to be able to actually go there and, you know, get vaccinated.

Baker attacking teachers for wanting to be vaccinated in order to teach onsite and claiming they’re “taking away” vaccines from the elderly is just complete b.s. How about he allocates doses where needed? How about he looks at his own data and uses it to make decisions instead of making stuff up in press conferences?

Watched Biden’s speech last night. What a relief to have someone who isn’t a narcissist, and who actually surrounds himself with smart, competent people. Someone who gives a damn beyond himself.

Have a good weekend, friends. Let’s hope next week is better.

Thurs. March 11, 2021: Die For Your Employer Day 293/MA Vaccine Distribution Fail Day 43 — Giving Myself a Day’s Break, Sort Of

image courtesy of Free Photos via pixabay.com

Thursday, March 11, 2021

Day Before Dark Moon

Sunny and warmer

There’s a post over on Gratitude and Growth about the garden.

It might break records in Boston for warmth. Cooler down here. I might set up a chair on the deck and enjoy it later on.

Today is my birthday, and I’m older than I expected. I’m usually a little blue on my birthday, because I haven’t lived up to my own expectations the previous year, and this year, with so much in flux, is no exception.

However, I appreciate all the good wishes pouring in from all over. They definitely cheer me up. And I plan to make this a day of (mostly) rest and cake and things I want to do.

The exception to that is an hour-long meeting with a potential new client this afternoon. I did some prep for it yesterday, and will do some more this morning, and then we’ll see where it goes. I had some humdingers the past couple of weeks with “potential” clients that just wanted a lot of work done without paying for it.

Got some work done in the morning. We left for my mom’s vaccine appointment early enough so that the road construction on 6 wouldn’t be a problem. It wasn’t as backed up as I feared (although there was a lot of traffic). We made good time to Orleans, and found our way back to the dump.

Everyone was, again, so nice. Spirits were pretty high, since this was 2^nd dose day, and people were in a good mood. The nurses were so kind, and I thanked them for everything, and we all got a little teary. My mom got her shot, we went into the observation lot for 15 minutes, and then we headed home.

Getting home was a challenge – Rt. 6 has construction. Rt. 6A has construction and road closures/detours. Rt. 28 has construction and road closures. How poorly planned and how stupid do you have to be to have construction and road closures on all three roads at once? So typical of around here.

But we got home, just the long way round. Picked up my birthday cake and some truffles on the way.

Got my mom settled to rest after the vaccine, got some more work done. Tidied up my office and worked on lighting and webcam angles for today’s interview. I’m going to need A LOT of makeup.

Felt physically and emotionally wiped out.

The trauma and grief I feel from the year of dealing with the virus and the loss of over 500,000 of my fellow country-people is only compounded by all those running around pretending it never happened and panting to open everything too early without following protocols. I already had trouble trusting people; this past year has made it far, far worse. And I want nothing to do with those who behaved badly during the past year. If one can’t trust them for something as simple as wearing a mask, one can’t trust them on any other level, either.

Supposedly, the vaccine sign up is going onto a new platform as of Friday. One can pre-register, and then get notification of openings – and then, it sounds like it’s back to cage-fighting for those openings again. How much do you want to bet that you have to upload all the information to pre-register, and then upload it all AGAIN while cage fighting for appointments? I have no faith in this system, but I will, tomorrow morning, try to fight my way in to ‘pre-register.”

At least the Rescue Plan passed – without any Republican support. Gee, what a surprise. Not. And Merrick Garland is our AG. That makes me both happy AND relieved. He is a man who believes in justice. And other worthy cabinet members were confirmed.

I’m thankful for Cori Bush for stating that she is still fighting for more direct cash relief, $15 minimum wage, and other things.

The Dems need to learn to stop compromising because the Repubs vote against it anyway, after diluting it. And Manchin and Sinema need to be irrelevant, which means Schumer needs to get them in line until we vote in enough additional progressive Democrats so their votes no longer matter.

This morning, I have the online meditation group, which I desperately need. I’ll do a little work, here and there, but I intend to enjoy myself. I even intend to enjoy the hour-long video meeting this afternoon!

My mom’s arm is giving her a lot of pain, so she’s been taking liquid Tylenol. And she’s tired, so she’s trying to sleep, but Willa keeps poking at her, to make sure she’s still breathing.

I’m looking forward to a nice dinner tonight, and birthday cake!

Tomorrow, it’s back into the trenches, but today, I want to give myself a break.

Thurs. March 12, 2020: Sometimes You Outgrow Places

Thursday, March 12, 2020
Waning Moon

Hop on over to Gratitude and Growth for the latest on the garden.

Lots to talk about, lots to think about. Yesterday was my birthday; tomorrow is Friday the 13th (one of my favorite days) which will encompass the pain-in-the-butt Home Energy Assessment in the morning, and then the follow-up appointment with the specialist in the afternoon. Next week is the next surgery.

It’s been a little more than a month since this particular health emergency started. It feels like much longer, because it’s taken up so much of my life, and put me behind in several areas of my life. I’m starting to take control again (and will do more so after the next surgery), make decisions, weigh evidence, and do what I can about moving forward in the areas that need change. I’ve learned a lot. Some of those have been hard lessons, but knowing is always better than not knowing.

I’ve been lucky in the support I’ve had around me from friends and coworkers and some random people I’ve met through different arenas. Seriously, something as simple as “I’m thinking of you. I hope you’re doing well” makes a huge, positive difference.

The silences have been telling, too.

The most disappointing one is from my yoga studio, and I’ve given a lot of thought to that. It has put into perspective and brought into light some things that have bothered me throughout my time at the studio, but I was willing to overlook, because I felt what I gained in terms of deepening my practice outweighed the things that bothered me.

That balance has shifted.

I have attended that particular studio for nearly two years now. Weekly, most of the time. Sometimes more than once a week. The location works. I like the atmosphere most of the time, the teaching style, the flexibility, and the price.

I’d visited the studio, which was under different ownership, when I first moved here. The owner at the time told me that it was useless to go unless I attended class there 2-3x week, and my only option was to be on Auto-pay. I could drop in once to try out a class, but after that, everything had to be booked ahead of time and on Auto-pay. I explained that, as a freelancer, that didn’t work for me. My schedule changes day-to-day, week-to-week. My income fluctuates. I can buy something like a 10-class pass, but I don’t do Auto-pay (not to mention that any Auto-Pay I’ve been on for anything has regularly simply taken whatever sum of money out of the account whenever they wanted, whether or not it was something I actually bought). The owner argued with me. I thanked her for my time, told her this was not the right studio for me, and that was that.

I was with another studio for about a year in another town, about a half hour’s drive. I liked a lot about it, but the teacher started making classes about her instead of about the practice, so I left. The first two summers I was here, I did sunrise yoga on the beach in Chatham, but over the years, with the increased traffic, the hour-long drive turned into nearly two hours each way, even that early in the morning, and it became unfeasible.

It never even occurred to me to go back to that first studio until I started studying with a specific teacher at her special events. I liked her style. She brought flyers in about her regular teaching — and she was at that studio. I mentioned I’d had a bad experience when I first moved here, and she told me the studio had changed owners.

I went back, I liked it for the most part, and I’ve been there for about the past two years. Last spring, there was an incident where I felt my trust had been broken; we sort of worked it out, although the studio did not fulfill a promise it made to help make things right. But I liked the studio, the teacher with whom I studied most often, the other teachers whose classes I tried, most of the other students. Some of the students only want to study with one teacher; I don’t like to get dependent on a teacher in that way. Life means change; teachers leave or go to another profession. I also like learning from teachers with different styles. I feel that enriches my practice. The price worked within my freelance life, and the payment schedule had options — you can have auto-pay, but you don’t HAVE to. Regular drop-ins are fine; if a class has finite room, they let you know. I sometimes felt like the teacher was trying to micro-control a little too much, especially in student interactions, but I thought maybe I was imagining it.

One of the things that has bothered me in all the studios here on Cape is the lack of community. They talk “community” constantly, but it doesn’t really exist. For the most part, we’re respectful and polite to each other in class. There’s some chatting amongst students. But most people are there for a respite from their day, not another social obligation. Some people come with friends, and they only interact with those friends. Some come in and out. But most people go to class and then leave.

In other areas I’ve lived/practiced over the decades, you wind up getting to know the “regulars” pretty well in class. They might not be your best friends, but generally, the chatting before or after class gets longer and longer, and there are usually one or two people with whom you connect and are in contact with outside of the studio. Maybe you’ll have coffee or a cocktail occasionally. Take a walk on the beach. Sign up for a workshop together you might not take on your own. If someone from class is sick, or suffers a loss, or has a crisis, one’s fellow practitioners rally around and offer support. Sometimes it’s in the form of physically doing something for someone (I’ve made casseroles, run errands, walked dogs, done laundry, etc. for fellow practitioners); sometimes it’s sending good thoughts, listening, just letting them know you care. There’s a sense of community.

Not here. People who’ve grown up here tend to stay friends with people they’ve known since childhood and not make new friends. Many of the people around here spend part of the year living elsewhere. They get together with their nearest neighbors when everyone’s home, have their families visit, but that’s it. I’ve tried to make plans with people from class, and they never come to fruition. Which is fine; if someone doesn’t want to hang out, I’d rather not hang out than one or both of us feeling forced and uncomfortable. I make plans once; if they don’t happen because the other person cancels, and the other person then doesn’t take the lead to make future arrangements, I let it go. To me, it means the person doesn’t want to spend time together, and that’s fine.

I also understand that far too many people who aren’t retired and living off investments have to work multiple jobs and are exhausted most of the time. But this attitude that “I don’t want friends” — which is said often in all kinds of contexts, disturbs me.

As a theatre person, where we build families of choice and expand them with every show, where the attitude is, “There’s always room for one more; pull up a chair” that’s an anomaly to me.

But people are who they are, and no one wants to be forced to be around people with whom they don’t want.

However, if you’re going to run around talking about compassion and community and connection in class, shouldn’t you also practice it outside of class?

Otherwise, yoga class serves the same purpose as going to church: you show up once a week and mouth meaningless words, then go back to being a jerk as soon as you walk out the door.

Another thing that bothers me (along with the lack of diversity) is that only Rich White Republican Ladies have the right to feel safe in class. Again, there’s all this talk about safety and inclusion. But when it comes down to it, Rich White Republican Ladies can say any racist, sexist, homophobic, inappropriate remarks, and we are all just supposed to sit there and put up with it because “it’s just the way they are.” But if anyone calls them on it, or makes a remark that is in opposition to something the Rich White Republican Ladies want to hear, the accusation is about “don’t bring politics into the studio” and making it “unsafe space.” Why are only the Rich White Republican Ladies entitled to a lack of politics and safe space?

And, in the world we’re living in, if you claim to follow yogic teachings, you’re not living your path if you’re not speaking up and acting to change things.

Whether or not it makes Rich White Republican Ladies uncomfortable or not.

This happens in studios all over the Cape, in my experience. I get that these studios are a business, and the Rich White Republican Ladies make up the bulk of the student population. Studios don’t want and can’t afford to lose the money.

But I want to be around people living their practice, not treating it like Religion Lite, where they mouth banalities so they can feel better about themselves and keep acting like entitled jerks.

I’m tired of the Rich White Republican Ladies doing and saying whatever nasty, inappropriate thing they want and getting away with it, but no one else can speak a different truth. It taints the purpose and the practice for me.

Another aspect of studio life around here I think is odd is that there aren’t classes on holidays. I get it on the big family ones, but a lot of these holiday Mondays are time that people who wouldn’t normally be able to attend class could. But classes are usually cancelled. Is it because the teachers need a break, too (which is understandable)? Or because people don’t show up on holiday Mondays here, unlike in other places where I’ve lived, where they flock to class on days off?

Thinking about this all and pulling it apart stemmed from the silence from the studio since I’ve been sick. I’m usually in regular contact with either the teacher or the owner. If I have to miss a class, such as the Monday meditation group to which I’ve gone for two years, I let them know ahead of time instead of just not showing up. The teacher has our emails and lets us know if there will be a sub or if class is cancelled for weather, or she’s sick or something else comes up. If she’s got something going on, I offer support, either by offering to do something tangible or doing energy work.

I thought the teacher and I built up a good relationship. We could talk about various issues, share good news and bad, have exchanged cards and small gifts over the years. Not quite friendship, in that we didn’t hang out away from the studio, but respect and appreciation.

If you’ve been following the bouncing IV needle here for the past few months, you know that when I had the urgent care visit and the first doctor basically told me I was at death’s door, I got in touch with the teacher. I let her know I had a medical emergency and was facing surgery or a series of surgeries and wouldn’t be in for awhile. I said that when it was all done, I would like to book a (paid, full price) healing session with her, but I didn’t know when it would be, because things were changing and getting booked day-to-day. She offered to do distance healing as a “gift” and said she needed some things from me in order to do it, and did I want more information? I said I wanted more information. She sent me a list that was absolutely overwhelming to me at that time while I was trying to deal with a slew of emergency medical appointments and surgery that had to happen within a week or two — AND said I had to book three healing sessions at a specific time at X price.

Now, I’m already frightened and vulnerable and losing work and worried about medical bills I didn’t expect. Everything is in flux and changing day to day; test results determine the next steps and how fast they have to happen. I CAN’T book three sessions. I can’t commit to the time and then cancel out at the last minute — it’s not fair to anyone. I don’t know what my financial situation will be due to missed work and incoming bills, and can’t take on any additional financial commitments, either. A “free” first session doesn’t mean a whole lot when the rest of the REQUIRED sessions (which I’d have to cancel anyway) are out of my reach financially. And the list of stuff she “needed” was overwhelming to me at the time.

I told her I couldn’t commit right now, because everything was in flux, and right now, the list was overwhelming and I couldn’t put it together and send it to her.

She argued with me. It wasn’t “what do you need, how can I help?” It was “Do what I tell you to do on my schedule.” Which rather shocked me, in the context of the past two years, and in the practice in general. She argued that putting together the list would “only take a few minutes” (no, it wouldn’t, and since I could barely even move at the time, it was too damn much), and that I NEEDED to do these sessions. Um, no, I NEEDED to work with the doctors so I wouldn’t die. That was the first priority. I had to not die. Then I get to heal.

I said I could not commit to it right now, with everything happening and changing so fast. She then told me I needed to book the post-surgery healing session now, because she books a few weeks in advance.

At that point, I didn’t know when the first surgery was scheduled or what came next. I told her I couldn’t.

I have never heard from her again. Not one word, since the 10th of February. Not one “how are you doing? I’m thinking of you.” Nothing. I didn’t want or need anyone from the studio to DO anything for me, but some good wishes would have been appreciated. But there was only silence.

Which tells me a great deal.

Compare that to the editor for the big article. We’d never worked together before. I was upfront with her about what was going on, got her the material ahead of deadline, and she worked with me around the surgery for the edits. This is someone who never knew me before, and she gave me more support than someone I’d been in weekly practice with for two years.

Heck, yoga studios into which I’ve dropped in occasionally in both Maine and Central Massachusetts have been in more frequent and more supportive touch than the studio in which I practiced regularly for the past two years.

I haven’t heard from the studio owner, either. Nor from anyone in the class.

Silence.

I am only a source of income to the teacher and the studio owner; I am irrelevant to my fellow practitioners. That’s the reality, no matter how many pretty words and phrases in which they try to wrap up the class experience.

I let myself feel the hurt and anger, because it existed. Silly to pretend it didn’t. No one wants to feel like they don’t matter. And then, I started picking at the threads of things that had bothered me over the time there, the things mentioned above, but that I’d chosen not to make a big deal out of because I felt what I got out of practicing there outweighed what bothered me.

That is no longer true.

I am deeply, deeply grateful for two years of deepening my practice and learning and growing. But I’ve gone as far as I can there. I need something else from practice-in-company and a studio experience. They are who they are, and they do what they do. I need something different.

I seriously doubt I will find it on Cape. I look at the other studios — auto-pay, demands that you attend several times a week (do they not realize that people work? Or are their only students more Rich White Republican Ladies who don’t work)?

I see a lot of the words of “inclusion” and “welcome” and “sanctuary” but I’m not seeing a whole lot of evidence of walking the talk. I may try some open houses that studios often give in early summer to attract the summer people, but I think the bulk of the practice will be home or remote study via online workshops (smarter in this time of virus anyway).

I worked to a place where I’m at peace with that. Acknowledge the hurt and anger, release it instead of letting it fester, realize I can’t get what I now need, and search for it elsewhere, while still growing my practice. I leaned on my practice, especially meditation, a LOT during this entire health crisis, and it was a huge help. I didn’t miss a single day of meditation through the whole thing. No matter how I felt, I sat at least once a day, often twice. I used breathing techniques in various appointments and in the hospital to get me through stressful or painful times. It made a difference.

Then I get an email from the studio on Tuesday. I saw the sender (the owner) and thought maybe she wants to let me know they’re thinking of me and hoping my recovery is going well. Silly me! Obviously I haven’t learned as much as I thought I had from this experience.

It was an email addressing the worries about the Corona virus. Which is a good thing. Talking about policies and practices and how everyone can protect each other. Responsible and necessary.

Then, they slip in the middle of the email that they’re going to start charging a rental fee for the mats in the studio to make sure they get cleaned properly. Um, what? We clean the studio mats after we use them. They claim it’s “temporary” but you know it will simply never get rolled back. Added fees are never rolled back; a new reason is always found for them. But people are “welcome” to bring their own gear to class.

So either rent the disinfected gear or bring in your own germy mat and contaminate the space? Seriously? People bringing in their own gear is MUCH riskier than using disinfected mats in the space. Because you KNOW people aren’t cleaning their mats every time they bring them to class.

It’s a way to get more money out of the students.

The email angered me. And then I laughed. Because it reinforced my decision that this is not the place for me anymore. And that’s okay.

I can still appreciate all I’ve learned and know it’s time for new teachers and new experiences. As a teacher myself, I’m delighted when my students outgrow what I can give them and soar. I’m very proud of former writing students who are out there in the trenches writing and publishing and living the writing life.

It has not been an easy journey, navigating these emotions and realizations along with everything else going on. But it’s been important.

Let’s hope I can apply the lessons moving forward.

Tomorrow is busy in all kinds of ways, and Monday is the Intent post, so it’ll be Tuesday before we have a good natter again, and I can fill in on the low-key birthday and whatever else happens over the weekend.

Stay safe, stay healthy, and peace.

 

Wed. March 11, 2020: Another Birthday. Who’d’a Thunk?

image by manfredrichter courtesy of pixabay.com

Wednesday, March 11, 2020
Waning Moon

Today is my birthday. Considering a few weeks ago, it didn’t look like I’d have another one, I’m pleased I got here.

Monday was irritating at my client’s, because people there are not taking the Corona threat seriously. The sheer arrogance and selfishness sickens me.

I seem to have gotten the issues sorted out with Tweetdeck, and I’m using it to schedule posts for both myself and one of my clients. I’m also going to expand to Hootsuite, and see how I like them. Buffer comes highly recommended, but won’t give a free trial without a credit card. Having been burned too often by companies who claim they won’t bill if you cancel before the end of the trial period, and then randomly remove whatever amount they want whenever they want,I don’t do that anymore. Should one of my clients want to put it on their company card, fine. But I’m not taking on that burden. If it winds up making sense for me to run multiple accounts for social media on a paid site, I will build it into the billing, but right now, it doesn’t.

After work, swung by Trader Joe’s for a couple of things, dropped off and picked up library books.

Started cleaning the windows from the inside when I got home. It was such a lovely, bright, mild day. I opened windows and doors, and managed to clean the windows in the living room. It’s a bit of a slog, because they are sectioned into six pieces on the top, six on the bottom. The outside storm windows need a good scrub, but that’s for a later day. Yesterday, I did the windows in my office, the back bedroom, the downstairs bathroom, and the kitchen. Today, I’ll do the windows upstairs.

Excellent writing sessions both Monday morning and Tuesday morning; hope that’s true today, too. It sets a positive tone for the day when that happens. We’re trying to figure out what to do with the Nautical Namaste series — it’s hard to promote it with people quarantined on cruise ships. And is it even ethical to promote it? An ongoing discussion.

I had a good evening yoga session on Monday night. A good hip-opening sequence. Last night, I was a little smarter about the every-other-day core work I’m working up to. I’m feeling better with the weight I’m dropping, but I need to get the fitness and the stamina up. I know it won’t be my 30-year-old self, but I want to be appropriately fit for my this-age self.

Client work was okay on Tuesday; then it was a quick trip to the library to drop off and pick up, and picking up my birthday cake.

I’m going to have a low-key day today. A client wanted to take me to lunch, but I asked to postpone it. The medication I’m on leaves me in a constant state of mild nausea, and I can’t really enjoy meals right now. So I’ll go to work, lift a glass in the afternoon, have a little cake. I’m going to do what I want, as much as possible, and enjoy the fact that I’m around to do it.

I will have to do housework today, although the big push is tomorrow, since the Annoying and Unnecessary Home Energy Assessment happens first thing on Friday.

Tomorrow’s post is shaping up to be a long one, where I share some of the musings and sortings-out I’ve been working on. Friday’s post will be short (and is scheduled already) because of the Annoying and Unnecessary Home Energy Assessment and the follow-up appointment with the specialist.

If the weather is nice, we might go to Truro on Saturday. We’re playing it all by ear.

Next week is all about prepping for the next surgery. I hope it’s the last one. I need to get back on track with a lot of different things.

We’re working on Charlotte’s fear of garbage trucks. I’m trying to teach her that the garbage truck goes to other houses, and only drives by, making noise. If I’m next to her when it goes by, she’s okay. If she’s on her own, she gets upset.

Tessa is thrilled with her catnip carrot and guards it from everyone else.

And so we go on.

Wed. Oct. 30, 2019: Prepping for Company

Wednesday,October 30, 2019
Waxing Moon
Neptune Retrograde
Uranus Retrograde

Tired. I’m getting plenty of hours of sleep, but I don’t feel rested.

Hop on over to Ink-Dipped Advice for the latest.

Working with the cats.

My mom had a nice birthday.

Turned in my review, got paid, got the next book. I like working with this company.

Working on some article pitches. I hope to get them out tomorrow. Even though Mercury goes retrograde tomorrow, and I’d much rather just hide.

Remote chat is today. I’m looking forward to it.

Then, I’m doing a final scrub of the house and making bread. My friend from NY arrives tomorrow for a couple of days. She just got back from London. I’m looking forward to seeing her.

Good writing session this morning. I’m trying to balance the work on the revisions of BALTHAZAAR TREASURE and DAVY JONES DHARMA along with drafting THE BARD’S LAMENT, so I don’t get behind on that or lose momentum.

One word at a time. The best I can do.

Tues. Oct. 29, 2019: Happy 95th Birthday to My Mom!

image by Bernadette Wurzinger via pixabay.com

Tuesday, October 29, 2019
Waxing Moon
Neptune Retrograde
Uranus Retrograde
Rainy and cool

Today is my mother’s 95th birthday. She still does really well. Rides her exercise bicycle 20 minutes a day. Does her puzzles. Plays with the cats. Drives.

I am lucky to have her with me still.

Busy weekend, but, as usual lately, not in the way I expected.

The bulk of the weekend was spent on novel revisions. What wasn’t taken up in novel revisions was taken up working with the cats. Charlotte is the aggressor, most of the time. She’s picking on both Tessa and Willa. They don’t actually hit each other, but there’s lots of noise and raised paws and running. It’s much better than it was, and we go through long stretches of peaceful co-existence in the same room. Then Charlotte gets nasty, and we have to start again. The positive stretches are getting longer and longer.

It will take a few months.

On Saturday afternoon, when I got into the car to go to the yoga studio, the battery was dead. It’s close enough to I could walk down and still make it in time.

The sound bath was great, and I walked home to a good dinner of turkey meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and steamed vegetables. Then, kitty playtime and positive socializing, and watching the SNOOP SISTERS, which I’d seen years ago when I was a kid. I get many more of the jokes now.

Tessa was with me in the night, Willa with my mom, and Charlotte in the rest of the house, which meant Charlotte was cranky on Sunday morning. But we got them settled after breakfast.

Worked on the November posts for Upbeat Authors, novel revisions, the book for review.

I read a cozy mystery, the third in a series by this particular author. While I enjoy some of the interactions between the characters, the protagonist is such an idiot, and too often a nasty piece of work, that I’m done with the series. Her romantic interest should dump her. He’s great. She’s an idiot.

I gave the series three books. I was frustrated by all three. So I’m done. Moving on.

I still have to read my friend Arlene’s newest book. But I haven’t felt as though I earned a treat lately.

Now, why don’t I just call AAA, you ask? Remember, last time my battery died, I had AAA. They were supposed to come to the house (the battery died in the garage again, thank goodness). First of all, they gave me a hard time about sending someone, because I wasn’t on the road. They told me I had to push the car out of the garage, down the driveway, to the road. I refused. When the guy finally showed up, he insisted it wasn’t the battery, but something much more complicated. He refused to change the battery. He gave me a jump and I made it to Tracy VW, where, of course — it was the battery. And I had to pay more than the service AAA promised to give me.

When I complained to AAA about it — they STILL haven’t answered. And this was in January 2015. They ignore all the correspondence. Their rates kept going up exponentially. And they refuse to come to my house, even though everyone else I know who has AAA gets house calls without a hassle.

When I had the major car repair in spring, my insurance company told me I had Roadside Assistance. So I tried to make arrangements through them for someone to give me a jump on Monday morning. Only now they’re telling me I DON’T have roadside assistance.

So there I am. With no one to help. Typical around here.

I contacted the place close by where I got my car fixed a few months ago to ask them who they could suggest. They told me to call Buckler’s Towing. They were very nice, and got me started.

I made it to the mechanic. They drove me to my client’s.

I hear back from the mechanic. Not only is the battery more than double than it was the last time they put a new one in, they came up with another $1800 worth of work they want to do on the car.

No. This attitude that every time I come in, they find thousands of dollars’ of repairs to do, and that I have tens of thousands to throw into the car, needs to stop.

I told them to just do the battery.

It should have taken a half hour. They couldn’t get it done until after 2.

My mom had a doctor’s appointment. She’d called the ride service that’s supposed to take seniors to their appointments, for a $5 donation. No one ever got back to her.

My client lent me her car — a big Audi. So I could take my mom to her appointment. By the way, the doctor said those were some of the best lab results he’s ever seen. I am to be commended for making sure she eats right.

I returned the car to my client, with effusive thanks. The mechanic came and got me. I picked up the car. It drove better after the jump start than it does now with the new battery.

Yes, I know I have to work on putting the resources together for another car, but I’d hoped to get another year or two out of this one. I love this car. It’s the first new car I ever bought myself, and I’m very attached to it.

Picked up my mother’s birthday cake and fixings for her birthday dinner.

Barely made it to meditation, but I needed it.

Dinner, finished the book for review. I turned in the review this morning, and my invoice. I’m ready for the next one.

Tessa stayed with me last night. Charlotte was cranky and aggressive with both Tessa and Willa this morning. Lots of noise. By the end of each day, we achieve peaceful co-existence, but overnight, it all falls apart. We’ve made a lot of progress, but we have a lot more to make.

With a client all day today, and then to the library, to get the work done I didn’t get done yesterday.

And to figure out the way to put together money for a new car.

At least I had a great session this morning, working on THE BARD’S LAMENT (Coventina Circle #5), which releases next year.

Onward.

Thurs. Aug. 22, 2019: Sometimes You Have to Make the Break

Thursday, August 22, 2019
Waning Moon
Pluto Retrograde
Saturn Retrograde
Neptune Retrograde
Uranus Retrograde
Sunny, hot, humid, with incoming storms

If my father was still alive, this would have been his birthday.

Yesterday was okay. Had a decent morning’s work on GRAVE REACH before I headed to my client’s. Had a decent morning’s work on ELLA.

Got a good bit done at my client’s.

The Remote Chat was terrific. I always have such fun with that group.

Stopped at the grocery store, then went home.

Set up an interview with a potential new client near end of day next Tuesday. The company is fairly new, and their work interests me, so we’ll see what happens when we talk.

The Narcissistic Sociopath now claims to be “King of Israel” and the “Second Coming of God”? He’s insane. It’s so infuriating that no one will DO anything to hold him accountable.

Decided to end a friendship because the other person is so toxic in my life. I’ve tried to be a good friend over the years; she’s talented, and I know she’s struggling with mental health issues. But she continues to hurt, attack, stand me up, try to manipulate me all the time. I am done. Her position is that she has mental health issues and therefore can’t be held responsible for what she says or does. She needs to do what she needs to do in the moment to take care of herself, and if lashing out is what she needs to do, then she’s going to do that. She considers it my job to stand there and take it without complaint. Even when it’s behavior I have repeatedly told her is harmful to me. I agree that she has the right to do whatever she needs to. I also have the right not to be her whipping post. Not to constantly be expected to accept the poison and hurt she keeps trying to pour on me. I, too, have the right to take care of myself. We’re done. If her therapist is telling her it’s okay to commit deliberate acts of cruelty toward the people in her life, I have problems with that.

The loss of the good times and her potential and her talent will be mourned; her refusal to take any responsibility for toxic behavior will not.

Today is supposed to be brutally hot and humid, then storms that will break it. I hope that’s true.

I am focusing on my article and on GRAVE REACH today. Had an excellent morning on ELLA. The first draft of ELLA is a mess, all over the place, but I’m loving the process. I have a basic idea of the points I want to hit, but I’m not working from a detailed outline the way I often do.

It’s important to change up the process occasionally, and not get into a rut.

My hand is still bothering me. I have a few hours where I feel better, then a bunch of hours where I don’t. One day at a time, I guess.

Back to the page.

 

Wed. March 13, 2019: Post-Birthday Recalibration

Wednesday, March 13, 2019
Waxing Moon
Mercury Retrograde

Hop on over to Ink-Dipped Advice, where we continue to work on our personal strategic plans.

My birthday on Monday was low-key and lovely. Birthdays can be fraught, even more than New Year’s, weighed down by all the things not achieved. I made a determined effort not to fall into that trap this year.

The greetings through various social media channels and email and mail and in person were much appreciated. I had a lovely lunch, and then went to my usual Monday meditation group, where we had a celebration, and then a quiet night with plenty of chocolate cake!

Site work with the client was a little bit more stressful than usual, and it will continue to get more so, due to the situation that started in December. The client is not listening to what I’m saying, and it all needs to be dealt with in the next few months. I want it to be weeks, but I have a feeling it will be months. Tuesday the stress continued, as it will today, which only reinforces what I already know.

The birthday blues threatened on Tuesday — since I’d held them at bay on Monday, they seemed determined to come at me stronger on Tuesday. Fortunately, what I’ve worked on in meditation and yoga this past year, and focusing on the writing, helped. Step by step, that’s all I can do. Step by step.

Was assigned two new books to review; one is downloaded and started. The other is in print and on its way. I like working with this particular organization. The quality of the books is overall pretty good, I like working with my editor. She appreciates honest reviews and doesn’t send things back to “please the client” the way the other publication last year did. A review has no integrity unless it’s honest.

I’m reading the book for the Reader Expansion Challenge. It’s a lot of fun. I will discuss it in detail next week on A Biblio Paradise.

I’ve been steadily working on contest entries.

There weren’t and won’t be any memorial services for the neighbors who died. It is, of course, up to the family. They aren’t local, and I can understand it’s difficult for them. But it leaves me feeling unsettled and without a way to contain the sadness. So I decided that, when I have the deck set up with the plants, and the yard work well under way, I will hold my own ceremony of remembrance. They were wonderful gardeners. This will allow me to process the loss while still respecting the family’s choice. Maybe I’ll invite the neighbors over to join me.

Working on the monologues. Working on the trade journal pitches. Saw that one publication to which I planned to pitch in a couple of months has filed for bankruptcy protection. I’m not particularly surprised, since they kept recycling old material all the time. They refused to have articles that grew with their readers; they kept everything at the early-career stage.

Had an awful headache on Tuesday. Made it more difficult to get anything done.

Just keeping my head down and doing the work.

 

Mon. March 11, 2019: Kindness to Self – #UpbeatAuthors

Monday, March 11, 2019
Waxing Moon
Mercury Retrograde
My birthday

Today is my birthday, which is always a mixed day. I want to have a happy day, but it’s hard not to beat myself up about not getting everything done in the previous year that I wished.

So, today, I have to be kind to myself.

That doesn’t mean lowering my standards or letting myself off the hook. But it means giving myself today as a personal holiday, and enjoying the day without bringing in unnecessary baggage.

Personal holidays are important. These are days that have nothing to do with anyone else’s calendar or traditional holidays. They are days you take for yourself, just because the day has meaning, and you get to do whatever you want. August 1 is one such day for me. I’m resolving to turn my birthday into another.

So, today, I resolve not to get caught up in other people’s drama. I’m just going to nod and smile and move on. I resolve not to focus on the half-empty, but the half-full.

On a practical level, I will write today. I will spend a few hours onsite with a client. Then, I’m going out to lunch, and then to meditation group, and then have a nice dinner and a quiet evening doing what I want with whom I want.

My kindness to myself.

How will you be kind to yourself this week?

 

Mon. March 12, 2018: Healthy Eating #UpbeatAuthors

 

Okay, when I picked myself up off the floor from this . . .

Why would today’s topic make me laugh?

For a couple of reasons. First, it was my birthday yesterday, which meant healthy eating was the last thing I worried about.

Second, because yesterday was also when we “spring forward” — and I can’t tell you how much I resent losing an hour of sleep ON MY BIRTHDAY. I take it very personally.

However, for the most part, healthy eating is more the normal part of my day than the exception. Why? Because when I eat properly for my body and my life, I feel better.

I rarely drink soda, and never “diet” soda. I eat very little junk food or processed food.

I’ve cut way back on sugar, especially refined sugar. In my baking, I’m working on substituting honey for sugar whenever possible, and then adjusting the rest of the recipe around it.

I don’t use fake sweeteners.

I do, however, drink whole milk, use real butter, etc.

I also grow as many of my own herbs and vegetables as possible. I believe in the mission that Edible Landscapes teaches, “Have your yard and eat it, too!” I currently rent, which means much of what I plant is in containers; but when I own my own place, there will be very little traditional lawn, and very much wild space and native plants — and many more vegetable beds.

I love to cook, and that helps me eat healthy, too. I read cookbooks the same way I read novels, and with the same pleasure. You might even say I “devour” them. I own many, many cookbooks — and even use most of them. I often use the recipe as a baseline, and then experiment from there.

The cookbooks I use most frequently and can’t live without are:

MOOSEWOOD RESTAURANT FAVORITES
THE NEW BASICS by Julie Russo and Sheila Lukins
THE MOOSEWOOD COOKBOOK by Mollie Katzen
MARCELLA CUCINA by Marcella Hazen
THE NEW ENGLAND COOKBOOK by Brooke Donny
THE WAY TO COOK by Julia Child
JULIA’S KITCHEN WISDOM by Julia Child
THE POOR POET’S COOKBOOK (I bought that for 99 cents in San Francisco in the 1980s and still love it) by Ann Rogers
BEARD ON PASTA by James Beard

I often test drive cookbooks by checking them out of the library and cooking a few recopies from them. If I like the book enough, I buy it.

Control the food, control the population. Food is a social justice issue for me as much as it is a pleasure. We have the right to access fresh, healthy food. That means we have to put people into government who do not destroy environmental protections. If the soil and water are polluted, our food will harm us instead of keeping us healthy.

If we allow corporations to use pesticides to kill bees, we won’t have food. If we allow sterile seeds to be our only source, the corporation who creates the sterile seeds can decide not only WHAT we eat, but IF we eat.

That is not acceptable to me.

Growing as much as I can keeps me connected to the process — there’s a lot of joy as well as a lot of flavor in eating something you grew. I also know that the soil is good and free of contaminants, the water I use the same.

I am still an omnivore, although more and more of my choices veer away from red meat, and, over time, over meat in general.

Cooking makes eating healthy much easier. I enjoy cooking. I don’t believe it’s “too much work” to cook for myself (although I often cook for more than myself). I believe I deserve healthy, well-prepared meals. I enjoy the process of making them. Granted, vegetarian meals tend to require a great deal of chopping, which means you need a good set of knives. But it’s worth it.

Roast chicken is easy — half an onion and lemon juice in the cavity, a bit of olive oil, salt and pepper over it, 5 cups of water in the roasting pan, cover, put in an oven for 2-1/2 hours and it’s tender and delicious.

Mashed potatoes are easy, and the secret is to warm the milk before you add it to mash (and always use whole milk and real butter, along with a bit of salt and pepper).

Steamed broccoli is great with a little seasoned salt over it.

Steamed green beans get an extra kick from some lemon juice or hollandaise sauce.

Moosewood Favorites has a great eggplant stuffed with spicy mashed potatoes — the potatoes are mashed with cream cheese instead of milk and butter. There are a mix of spices in it, along with diced red peppers, carrots, and peas. The filing can be eaten on its own or used as a side dish for other food.

Dice up a few fresh tomatoes, add some cooked corn and diced onions. You’ve got a salsa that’s great with steamed fish. Add some parsley, fresh spinach, oil and balsamic vinegar, and you’ve got a salad.

Fresh herbs can brighten up even the most boring meal. And no meal needs to be boring. Experiment.

If it doesn’t work, you’ll know and try something different the next time.

I never enjoyed eating until I started to cook. Once I enjoyed cooking, tasting and eating are part of that. I used to only enjoy cooking for others. But I got tired of both the expense and the quality of eating out.

My rule of thumb when I’m in a restaurant is I only order what I wouldn’t/couldn’t make at home. As my home-cooked repertoire grows, what I order when out shrinks!

The positive part of that is it makes me try new dishes instead of ordering the same old, same old when I’m out. It also encourages me, when I like something I’ve tried in a restaurant, to figure out how to cook it at home.

Decide what foods make you feel good, not just while you’re eating, but after. What fuels your body and your spirit? If you genuinely listen to your body instead of stuffing it with empty calories, you’ll start to align with foods that are better for you and that you wind up enjoying more.

Try that this year — grow a few things you LIKE to eat. Take sensual pleasure in cooking, tasting, preparing and eating food, even if it’s for yourself.

Worry less about calorie counts and more about nutritional value, taste, and presentation.

You’ll find yourself naturally gravitating towards healthier foods.