Mon. Dec. 30, 2019: The Joy of Letting Go #UpbeatAuthors

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Monday, December 30, 2019
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Tomorrow is the end of 2019. The end of the decade. It’s time to let go of things and make room for new.

Time to let go of the old year.

I’ve been working on a set of Questions for 2020 to help me make the transitions and transformations that I need to make in the coming year. Please feel free to read them and use them. The Goals, Dreams, and Resolutions site is being revised in the coming weeks to have more tools and ideas to help achieve our aims.

This will also be the last post I do for #UpbeatAuthors. I realized that while writing the posts on commitment a few months back that I would have to set a stop date, unless certain things changed. They didn’t, and I decided to see out the year and then stop. As much as I’ve enjoyed writing weekly posts for this group for the past year and a half, it’s time for me to do other things.

I feel I fulfilled my commitment to the group by seeing out the year. I didn’t just stop posting or “not have time.” I MADE the time. I finished the commitment I made when I joined the group.

I learned a lot, by writing the posts and by reading what other members of the group posted.

But it’s time for me to step back, and interact in a different way.

I post most weekdays on this blog, Ink in My Coffee. On Wednesdays, I post more business writing-oriented content on Ink-Dipped Advice. Between Ink in My Coffee and Goals, Dreams, and Resolutions, Monday will be about setting an intention for the week, and then seeing how I fulfill it. I am using ideas inspired by Jenn Mattern’s 90-Day Plan, combined with the Monday afternoon meditation group I attend. A week, a month can be too short a time to implement change; a year can be too long. So I’m experimenting.

I hope you will continue with me on the journey. I hope I am still welcome to visit Upbeat Authors.

I wish you a blessed New Year, and a wonderful new decade.

Mon. Dec. 23, 2019: The Joy of Taking a Breath #UpbeatAuthors

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Monday, December 23, 2019
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First Day of Hanukah

How can you possibly take a breath?

It’s almost Christmas, we’re in Hanukah, we just had the Solstice, what about all those presents that still need to be wrapped?

That’s why we need to breathe.

From Solstice through the New Year, I add an additional 40-minute session of candlelight yoga/meditation when I end my workday and before cocktail hour. This small space of time, which is wrench from the rest of the day, helps enormously on both mental and physical levels.

So take a breath, smile, and have a great holiday!

Mon. Dec. 16, 2019: The Joy of Gentle Words #UpbeatAuthors

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Monday, December 16, 2019
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We should always take care with our words, but especially during this season. Plenty of people are dealing with stresses and pain. We want to lighten their burdens, not add to them.

At the same time, when someone is excited and happy about a tradition or something to do with the holiday, and it’s not our thing — we need to be kind enough NOT to tell them we don’t like what brings them joy.

If someone wants to say “Merry Christmas” — fine.

If someone prefers “Happy Holidays” or another greeting — fine.

If someone wants to skip the holidays this year for whatever reason — fine. But that doesn’t give them the right to last out at those who enjoy the holidays.

If someone loves the decorations and the shopping and all the rest, a lecture about the commercialization of Christmas is not helpful. Save that for a discussion at that barbecue in July.

I love stuff like Secret Santa or a Giving Tree. But, for me, it’s vitally important that it not be about me — I LIKE staying anonymous. I like participating without the receiver knowing it came from me, or posting about it on social media or in any other way congratulating myself. That defeats the purpose for me.

Others feel differently. That’s up to them.

I’m a big card writer. When someone says, “Oh, I don’t have TIME to write cards” — to me, that’s a slap in the face. It gives me information about that person, that I file away for future reference. Honestly? I don’t HAVE time for plenty of things — including writing cards or even these posts. I MAKE time for them. There are plenty of reasons for not writing cards: not liking to write, not wanting to use paper products, worry about the carbon footprint of mailing things, or whatever. Those are all valid reasons. There are plenty of more valid reasons that are none of my business. But when someone uses the myth of time as their reason, chooses those words as the reason, what they are really saying is “You are not worth the five minutes it takes to choose and write a card. You’re not important enough.”

Which is useful, because then I can move them to the appropriate slot in my life, and no longer make them one of MY priorities. They get to choose their priorities during the season. I get to choose mine. When a relationship gets out of balance, then I have to adjust, for my own well-being. I can do so without giving a speech about it.

The same way I often don’t argue on social media, when someone crosses one of my lines. I either unfollow or block. I don’t owe an explanation. I get to choose my interactions. I regularly block those who mock my profession, be it writing or theatre or film. We like what we like; we don’t what we don’t. But when someone derides the profession — they’re out. No argument. Just gone.

We all have things we like and don’t like. That’s part of the wonderful fabric of what makes us unique. But scolding people for making other choices? Scolding people because they enjoy something harmless that you don’t like? No, thanks. Is that what I’m doing here? Partially, making a single statement instead of getting into a dozen small arguments.

It’s hard NOT to lash out sometimes, when we feel overwhelmed and under-appreciated. But taking a breath and choosing not to engage in hurtful words or behavior goes a long way. Not just this season, but all the time.

So, remember to breathe. Remember to rest.

Remember to be gentle with your words this season.

Mon. Dec. 9, 2019: The Joy of Mixing Holiday Traditions & Creating Your Own #upbeatauthors

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Monday, December 9, 2019
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One of the things I loved about living in NYC and working in theatre was that we had an international community and all shared our holiday traditions.

I often joke that, for me, the holiday season starts on October 31 (Samhain/Halloween) and lasts until January 6 (Twelfth Night).

Only it’s not really a joke.

Today is December 9. Sunday, December 1 was the First of Advent. We have a table with an advent wreath, and one candle for each of the Four Advents, plus the bayberry candle at the center that is lit on Christmas Eve. We burn the candle, adding one each Advent, until we burn down all five on Christmas Eve.

We have red ribbons hanging down the sides of our doors and windows, topped with pinecones and other decorations. We fasten the cards we receive to those ribbons, so we can enjoy them all month, and have fond memories of our friends.

On the night of December 5 going into December 6, we celebrated St. Nicholas Day. We put out a shoe (a clean one, or one with a little bowl tucked in it) and in the morning, it’s filled with candy, and maybe a funny little toy. This is a tradition both my parents celebrated as children in Germany.

This upcoming Friday the 13th, we will celebrate Santa Lucia, with white candles and spicy cookies. There’s a lovely Scandinavian festival at a nearby Lutheran church, and we often attend. Sometimes, during this time, one of the Episcopalian churches in the area has a concert of Celtic harp music, which we also enjoy.

When possible, we pop into Boston to see THE NUTCRACKER. (In NYC, I saw it at NYC Ballet, where one of my friends is a dresser). If we don’t get to go and see it, at the very least, we play the music.

Over the weeks, we watch favorite holiday movies like WHITE CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT, IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE, MIRACLE ON 34TH ST., ELF — and often try some new ones.

On the 21st, is my biggest celebration of the season, the Winter Solstice. At sunset, we let the entire house go dark. Then, we light the fire in the fireplace. From there, we light the candles. Then, we turn on lamps and the outside lights, to welcome the turn of the wheel and the return of the Sun. It’s on a weekend, so I’ll be able to stay up through the dark night and get some sleep the next day! The following night, at sundown, Hanukkah begins. I miss celebrating it with my NYC friends.

We celebrate, German-style, more on Christmas Eve than on Christmas Day — and open our gifts on the night of Christmas Eve. Then, we settle in, Icelandic-style, and read one of our new books that night. We also burn a bayberry candle for good luck.

Christmas Day is about food and music and reading. And the stockings. We open our stockings Christmas morning — and eat panettone for breakfast.

Then comes Boxing Day. We generally rest and read and work on leftovers. And the beginning of Kwanzaa. When I lived in NYC, I joined my neighbors in their nightly Kwanzaa celebration.

I do a meditation retreat on New Year’s Eve, to start the New Year mindfully. It also means a good meal, another bayberry candle that straddles midnight, and prosecco. At a minute before midnight, we open the back door to let the old year out. At a minute after midnight, we open the front door to let the New Year in!

They don’t do First Footing out here on Cape Cod, which is a shame, because I love that tradition — right after midnight, you let in a dark-haired neighbor in the front door first, and offer a dram of whisky for luck.

New Year’s Day is about pork before noon (usually Eggs Benedict) and then a big meal later in the day. Relaxing.

I usually keep my decorations up until Twelfth Night (January 6). Most years, I have a party on Twelfth Night, no matter what day of the week that is, and then take down the decorations on the 7th. The last few years, we’ve been snowed out. I have a feeling I will take my decorations down this year on the 4th & 5th, because it’s the weekend, and I’ll have the time.

As new friends come into the mix and share their traditions, I add them in, too.

What are your favorite traditions of the season?

Monday, Dec. 2, 2019: Defining Joy #UpbeatAuthors

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Monday, December 2, 2019
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December is the month of joy here. With the Winter Holidays approaching, it makes sense to decide and define what gives us joy.

For me, especially around this season, it’s a combination of old and new traditions, decorating, baking, and doing unexpected small things for other people.

I’m a big believer in holiday cards. I sometimes cut it a little close getting them out, but it gives me pleasure to choose and write a card I think someone will enjoy, to let that person know I’m thinking of them.

I bake a lot at the holidays. I make platters with a central small cake or cupcakes and an assortment of cookies. I give those to neighbors and to people with whom I’ve had a lot of interaction over the year: the library, the mechanic, the firemen, the guy who mows the lawn, the postal carriers, etc. It gives me joy to give them something I made for them.

I go all out on the decorating. I have an entire closet in my storage room that’s the Christmas Closet, floor to ceiling winter holiday decorations (I celebrate more than Christmas in this season). I start decorating on the weekend after Thanksgiving. If I’m lucky, I get it all done by Christmas Eve! The cats know if they sit still too long, they might get decorated, too! Well, the new cats don’t know that yet, but they will.

I make the extra effort to smile at people and to say, “thank you” especially when I’m shopping. I don’t shop on Black Friday — there’s nothing I need that badly to make me wait in line in the cold for hours. I DO shop on Small Business Saturday.

I wrap up projects and look over my plans for the coming year.

When it comes to submissions, unless it’s a contracted deadline, I stop submitting by December 12 or 15, and don’t start up again until around January 6. People deserve a holiday.

It means organization on my part, to make sure I can clear as much as possible off my plate before then. If something comes in here and there for a quick turnaround, then I have the room for it.

I appreciate the decorating other people do, and the gestures they make, and the fun everyone wants to have. I try not to feel pressured by any of it, but to appreciate it. I don’t always succeed, but I try.

Instead of trying to do 20 more things, I try to do less. I work on the things that make me happy, and I steer away from that which makes me unhappy. I make an exception when it’s something that means a lot to someone who matters to me. Then I step up and do it — with grace, not grumble.

In my mind, the winter holidays are here to remind us that, even in when the weather is cold and the days short, we can create light by being joyful with and for each other. When it comes from the heart instead of because we feel it’s expected, then we can have a positive impact all around us.

I’ve talked about this all year — make a difference amongst your immediate neighbors, and start a ripple effect.

What gives you joy during this season?

 

Mon. Nov. 25, 2019: Gratitude – The Holiday #upbeatauthors

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Monday, November 25, 2019
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This Thursday is American Thanksgiving, which, to me, is the ultimate Day of Gratitude.

I don’t dismiss the concerns from communities who have a problem with celebrating a holiday that, for them, was the precursor to land theft and genocide.

What I hope is that we can turn it into a day of gratitude between family, chosen family, friends, and inclusive community.

Instead of denying that our ancestors did terrible things to each other (and too many of our fellow humans continue to do the same), we take the day to imagine our ideal society, a place of friendship and tolerance and progress and education and art and science and community. When we express gratitude for each other, and find ways to work on getting closer to our ideal, instead of moving away from it. We work to do better, to BE better than those before us.

Our traditional Thanksgiving (which I’ve attended for more than forty years) takes place in a rented VFW hall. Dinner is anywhere from 37 to 60 people. Everyone cooks; everyone helps clean up. It’s extended family and any friends people want to bring. There’s always room for one more at the table. Which is the way it should be.

I’ve missed a few over the years, due to distance (when I lived on the West Coast) or illness. But most years, I rearrange my life so I can attend. I mash the enormous vats of potatoes with a four-foot tall masher. Some years, I’ve had to stand on a step stool to get enough leverage.

Way back when this dinner started, it was agreed that there would be no arguments in that space on that day. I used to have a box right inside the front door marked “Ego Drop. Leave Your Ego Here.”

We don’t need it anymore. Even when people are in the midst of long-running disagreements, we suspend them for the day.

We remember that, in spite of everything, we are grateful that we have each other.

How will you celebrate gratitude this week?

 

Mon. Nov. 18, 2019: The Dark Side of Gratitude #UpbeatAuthors

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Monday, November 18, 2019
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Gratitude is presented as something positive and uplifting. But, as with anything, it has its dark side.

How often, when someone tries to lowball us at work, overworking and underpaying/undervaluing our contribution, do we hear, “You should be grateful for this job?”

Too often, employers forget that without a work force, they don’t have a company. As more and more workers are taught to value themselves and their contributions, let’s hope more and more companies who don’t are forced off the market.

There will always be times we have to take a survival job somewhere we loathe. But we need to immediately start looking for something else and get away as soon as possible.

We don’t have to be grateful when someone mistreats us. We need to get out of the situation.

The other dark side of gratitude is false martyrdom. Doing something not because we want to help, but because we want the other person’s gratitude in return. We want them to OWE us.

That can quickly get into a toxic downward spiral.

Again, that doesn’t mean you have to give more and do more just to give and be a doormat. There has to be some sort of reciprocal energy or it gets unbalanced.

Remember, in your working life, you deserve to ALWAYS be treated with courtesy and dignity. While many people can fill the same job, each individual brings something unique to it.

In the rest of your life, make sure you do something for the right reasons for someone else; and when someone offers you help, that they’re doing it to genuinely help, not to further their own agenda.

What kinds of toxic situations involving false gratitude have you found yourself in and removed yourself from?

Mon. Nov. 11, 2019: Grateful To and For Our Soldiers #UpbeatAuthors

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Monday, November 11, 2019
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Veterans’ Day

The day devoted to Upbeat Authors falls on a Monday. This Monday is Veterans’ Day.

I am grateful to the men and women in our military.

That does not mean I’m pro-war. Far too often, greedy old men send the young to fight and die for personal gain, not the good of the population of the countries for which they serve.

I am, however, deeply grateful to the men and women who decide that their contribution to the social construct which we inhabit is to train and fight and travel and put their lives on the line for their fellowman.

I am not that unselfish.

The military is not my path.

I am deeply grateful that there are those who choose that path, and today, I honor them.

I work with my elected officials to support and help veterans who have honored the country with their service. When I meet veterans individually, I do what I can to help and support them. Sometimes, that means listening to what they actually need, and taking it back to my advocacy meetings with elected officials. Sometimes, it’s anonymously buying them a meal in a restaurant, or a round of drinks at the bar. They don’t need to know it’s from ME. Just that someone gives a damn. Sometimes it’s listening to their stories, or helping them find a way to communicate their stories and needs.

There’s no one way to help. It’s about taking the time to get to know the individual, and working with that person in the way they need, not the way I want. Because being grateful to them is not about me.

How will you honor veterans today?

 

Mon. Nov. 4, 2019: Gratitude, Not Denial #UpbeatAuthors

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Monday, November 4, 2019
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November is “Gratitude Month” here on Upbeat Authors.

This has been a difficult year for me, on many fronts. Sometimes, it’s difficult to remember to be grateful. It’s easier to focus on what’s not working than what is working.

Also, far too many motivational or inspirational quotes feel like they trivialize pain.

Pain, on physical and emotional levels, is real. Everyone experiences it differently. Everyone must learn to cope, to heal, and to set and maintain boundaries. We need empathy and sympathy with each other; at the same time, we can take on, or be expected to take on, everyone else’s pain in addition to our own.

Creating a personal practice of gratitude doesn’t mean you’re in denial about what’s not working. It means using the things in your life for which you are grateful as a foundation on which to build the positive changes you need in your life.

There are basics for which I’m grateful every day:
My family
The cats
My friends
My creativity
My home
My food

On top of those basics, there are different things for which I’m grateful. On the days when I meet with my weekly meditation group, I’m grateful to have community with them and be able to practice.

On days when I participate in Remote Chats with one group or another, again, I’m grateful to be included and feel a sense of community with them.

A couple of weeks ago, when my car battery died, I was grateful that it happened in the garage at home and not out on the road somewhere.

I think of gratitude as layered. There’s Foundational Gratitude, which is includes the list above. Then there’s Transitional Gratitude, which are the different daily things that bring joy, peace, pleasure.

Sometimes, it’s difficult to find that list. But it’s always worth the time to make the list, even if you don’t write it down, and look for something, no matter how small that improves your daily life.

The basis of gratitude helps you build strength and energy to make the changes you need to make, so there’s less of “can’t I ever get a break?” and more of “I’m glad that happened.”

What you do consider your Foundational Gratitude?

Mon. Oct. 28, 2019: Commitment to Health #UpbeatAuthors

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I decided to make a commitment to my own health. Far too often, I push it away, to “get around to it” and then pay the price.

I commit to:

–Listen to and understand the signals my body sends me;
–Take care of both my mental and physical health;
–Work for healthcare for ALL as a right, not a privilege;
–Make the time for physical fitness;
–Try new things to improve my life on multiple levels.

What is your commitment to health?

Mon. Oct. 21, 2019: Pets For Health #UpbeatAuthors

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Monday, October 21, 2019
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This is not a photo of one of my cats, but to me, this represents good health.

My cats have done more to improve my health than anything else. Their love and affection; the way they live in the moment. The ability to relax. The ability to focus.

The way one of the rescue cats blossom when they settle in to the house.

It’s wonderful.

Losing them is always a heartbreak; but I wouldn’t trade a minute with any of them.

My cats have a positive impact on all aspects of my life, including reminding me to laugh.

How do pets improve your life?

Mon. Oct. 14, 2019: When Stress Manifests Physically #Upbeat Authors

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Monday, October 14, 2019
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Have you ever noticed that when you’re under a great deal of stress, it manifests physically? Your resistance is lower, you’re more likely to catch whatever’s going around. Or you suddenly get a pain in a particular area of the body.

It’s important to listen to pain. Chronic pain is a different arena, and that needs specialized treatment, which it too often doesn’t get. I’m talking about unusual pain that crops up when something is wrong.

If you look at the word “disease” and break it down it is “dis” and “ease.”

The ease has been removed.

Take the time to do some self-assessment. Where is the pain located? How is it manifesting?

What is going on in your life? What worries you? What fears have cropped up lately?

Different astrological signs are connected to different parts of the body. I’m a Pisces. That sign is connected to feet. When I’m tired or stressed, it often affects my feet. I have to make sure I have comfortable shoes (outside the house; I don’t wear them inside), and warm, dry socks in winter. I do not do well in cold, wet socks.

I get migraines. I hold tension in my neck and shoulders. Lately, from all the sitting I’ve been doing, I’ve had problems in my lower back. To the point where the lower back and the hip sometimes “freeze.”

That tension in the lower back and hip joint, for me, indicate feeling stuck — and I’m going through a “stuck” period, where I know I need to make changes, but I’m not sure of the details. The days when I’m confident about what I’m doing and the direction I’m taking — no lower back pain.

Earlier in my life, when I was in a toxic situation, I suffered stomach problems constantly. Once I was out of the situation, no more stomach issues.

Listen to your body. Don’t be afraid to seek help. Too often, we don’t seek help for our health needs. Sometimes it’s an insurance issue. We can’t afford to get help, unless we give up something else, like food or paying the electric bill. The entire health industry in this country needs to be ripped apart and rebuilt from scratch, but that’s a different conversation. Sometimes, it’s because we’re not listened to when we ask for help.

“It’s all in your mind,” says the doctor.

“Yes,” you say, “and now it’s manifesting in my body. So please help me find the root cause so we can treat this holistically.”

For me, acupuncture is the best for pain management. Daily yoga and meditation practices help keep energy flowing, and help me discover causes and possible solutions.

It’s different for everyone. The human body is amazing, as is the human mind. We take both for granted. The more you learn to trust yourself, the better you are at self-advocating.

Because the industry itself is about how much money it can get out of YOU, and how little money insurance can get away with paying. It has nothing to do with actual health. Know that.

Know, also, that there are ways you can make the system better by making the time to argue for your rights. When you dispute an unfair decision by your insurance, copy your Senator, your Rep, your State Attorney General on the correspondence. Go to the top executives in the company. Don’t use the excuse that you “don’t have time” for that. It takes a few minutes to type a letter, run off copies, put a stamp on them and mail them to those who can do something. And yes, do it in writing. They want you to talk on the phone because their “notes” of the conversation have little to do with your rights or what you actually discussed. DO EVERYTHNG IN WRITING.

When your elected officials have town halls, make the time to go. Ask them what they’re doing to make things better. Make an appointment at the local office and discuss your situation with one of the aides. A good aide is dedicated to listening to constituents and weighing in on policy. MAKE the time.

And vote. Vote for candidates who want to rebuild the health care system so that it’s actually about health care and not about personal or corporate profits.

You do have power. If you choose not to use it, it’s on you.

It’s tough to do that when you’re not feeling well. Being sick takes a lot of energy. But you can’t expect “others” to do it. Your activism, based on your direct experience, will change things.

Remember that figuring out the cause of the stress doesn’t mean an instant fix. You might be facing a major life change. It won’t happen all at once. Try to find one small thing you can change that will help you mentally and release some of the physical pain. Integrate it into your life.

Then try the next small thing.

Small changes add up to big changes. Our individual rhythms are unique. We’re often pushed into situations at a rate that ‘s unhealthy for our individual rhythms. We need to be kind to ourselves, give ourselves time to adjust, and decide how to regain control and make the next change when WE want it.

It’s a lot of moving parts at any given time.

But the more you learn to listen to that inner voice, to trust YOUR instincts, the more your decisions will help make you a whole, healthy person.

Mon. Oct. 7, 2019: Know Your Unique Health Needs — #UpbeatAuthors

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Monday, October 7, 2019
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Health is an important topic for writers. For everyone. How do we do what we do and stay healthy, on both mental and physical levels? How do we stay in balance? How do we remove stressors from our lives, or learn how to deal with them better?

The fact that in the US, healthcare is considered a privilege, and the attitude is that you only deserve good health if you’re rich makes it even harder to stay healthy.

Any system is bound to fail at some level, because “systems” don’t treat people as what they are — individuals. So much needs to change regarding healthcare, but one of the most important things is that people are individuals and must be so treated.

Part of what we need to do for ourselves is to learn our own bodies and health. What is “good health” for each of us? It’s going to be different. It’s also going to change at different stages of our lives.

What does it feel like, physically, when you feel healthy? Do you feel well-rested? Energetic? Pain free? Able to breathe and move and think clearly? Have a sense of optimism, or at least peace?

For me, all of those factors contribute to what I consider “good health.”

I’ve had to learn to listen to my body. Too often, I just push through. Too often, it’s because I can’t afford to be sick, on any level. Which, of course, just makes me sicker. If I listen to the signs earlier and deal with them, the severity is lessened, AND I heal more quickly.

But what feels right and good in my body is different than what feels right and good in someone else’s. We have to learn how to calibrate our own health, and learn the warning signs.

I’ll never forget the first time I went to acupuncture. I left the session, pain-free, for the first time in YEARS. I had forgotten what it felt like to be pain-free.

It didn’t last more than a few days, but it was a reminder that there is a place where both my mind and my body feel good and right.

Spend some time with yourself. Learn how different movements feel. We are writers, so we communicate the world through sensory detail. If we use that same type of sensory detail on ourselves, we can figure out where we are in relation to where we want to be. How we feel versus how we’d like to feel.

We can ask for the help we need, because we have a place to start.

The level of toxicity has risen so high in the past couple of years, between vile people feeling they have the right to destroy those around them on emotional and financial levels, between environmental and health inspections rolled back, new poisons allowed in the world, and strong new diseases flourishing that it can be overwhelming.

So start with yourself. See what small changes you can do every day to help you feel better.

When asked, share it. But do it with kindness, not force. Say, “this worked for me. Would you like to try it?” rather than “You should . . .”

Everyone’s needs, abilities, and resources are different. We need to understand ourselves, and OFFER understanding TO, rather than FORCE our opinions ON each other. We need to use language that supports rather than judges. We need to recognize and celebrate individuality. That includes individual needs in our health.